i live my own life and nurse my own wounds

seeing all the a-level aged people i know stressing themselves to death over their exams at the moment is really making me glad i’m going to university through a different route, wow. my access course, which i’m taking because i never finished my a-levels (i was super depressed at the time i wasn’t capable of finishing anything) is just another way of getting to uni, involves no end of year exams and only requires me to study one subject, rather than three/four like at a-level.

i know it means i’m starting uni two years late, but i’m not overly bothered about that, lots of people will be starting late for whatever reason, so i’m sure i won’t be alone in being older than most freshers. plus, i’ve had so much fun on my course, most (definitely not all) of my classmates are awesome people, my tutors are great, and i’ve enjoyed the content taught SO MUCH. i was never really into ancient history for a long time (watching hbo’s rome is what got me interested in it, no lie) so i wasn’t really looking forward to the subjects we’d be doing, but now that we’re at the end of the course i am all kinds of sad i’m not going to be doing it for much longer. i adore modern history too, and i’m really excited to focus on medieval history at uni, but i’m going to miss my greco-roman babbies a lot. (╯︵╰,)

also i just want to take a moment to be proud of myself and gloat (this is rare!!!) about how well i’ve done in the course. the highest mark you can get for each assignment is distinction, which is what i’ve got in every piece of work i’ve done so ya. i still have one essay to finish, on my favourite lady king forever girl, cleopatra, and two that haven’t been marked yet but hopefully i’ll keep up my record. my marks mean i should hopefully get a scholarship when i start at keele too, hooray!!

right now i am feeling better than i’ve felt in a couple of weeks, i’m not sure why, (probably because i’ve spent the last hour looking for pictures to add to my ‘famous people with cats’ themed notice board) but it’s good i guess? i’ve been feeling really low and cripplingly lonely (wah wah how do u friends wah) the past couple of weeks, but it seems to be wearing off now. i get used to it, feeling pretty alright most of the time, suffering month-ish long bouts of depression, and then feeling fine again for a few months. rinse and repeat.

i can’t remember whether i’ve already said on here, but i made my university choices a couple of weeks ago and it looks like i’m almost definitely going to keele!!! if i’ve worked it out right, i’ve already got the grades i need to get in (distinctions in everything, thank you very much), and i applied for accommodation a few days ago, so it’s all feeling very real and exciting and scary at the moment. i’m feeling good about it though, i’m looking forward to living independently, and i’m actually kind of looking forward to the actual work too? 

although, after spending the past few days reading this blog, (an absolute must-read for anyone vaguely interested in old hollywood) i’ve been toying with the idea of doing a dual honours degree in history/film studies, instead of single honours history. i love film SO much, and ‘film historian’ is something i would seriously consider as a career choice, so maybe? it depends on whether the uni would want me to have a specific film studies qualification though, which i don’t have.

but yeah, even if i feel frequently Not Great at the moment, i’m pretty optimistic about the future, so i don’t feel as hopeless as i have done in the past.

as i expected, i feel a lot better than the last time i posted here. the last couple of days have been really nice and i’ve recovered from my weird on/off stomach bug thing (hopefully) so yeah, i am much happier right now

i was expecting yesterday to be awful because i had three terrible tasks to complete, but actually it was pretty alright. i went to the jobcentre thinking i was going to get a bollocking because i’d got it into my head that they’d changed my sing-on time without telling me and i’d missed an appointment, but it turns out i was wrong and they hadn’t changed it. signing on is definitely in my top ten least favourite things to do, but it was less bad than i was expecting, so hooray for that. then i had to phone and book a doctor’s appointment (in the words of malcolm tucker, i would rather have type 2 diabetes than make a grown-up phone call), and then attend said doctor’s appointment in the afternoon, where everything went better than expected. rejoice, i almost felt like a real adult after it was all done!

i got my hair cut today, and even though it’s not that different (i just had a couple of inches off and she kind of tidied it up a bit) i feel good about it. mostly because it’s all shiny and beautiful like it always is when you’ve just been to the hairdressers. i’m pretty sure the shampoo they use has unicorn blood in it or something.

i never know how to end these things so….fin

i’m pretty sure i make this post (on here or lj) once every couple of months, and then delete it shortly afterwards but whatever i feel really shitty at the moment so i’m making it again

one thing you need to know about me is that i’m perfectly happy in my own company, and generally don’t enjoy being around people for extended periods of time. there are exceptions to the rule, obviously, but a lot of people make me feel uncomfortable or irritable when i spend too much time with them, so i don’t mind that i have no friends. most of the time anyway, but today is not one of those times. i don’t know, sometimes it would be nice to have someone to talk to about stuff, or even just someone to hang out with sometimes. i’m really independent and enjoy going places alone, but occasionally it’d be nice to wander round a museum or go to the cinema with someone else.

i keep telling myself “oh it’s ok, i’ll make friends when i go to uni” but at this point i’m not even sure that i will? i get on perfectly well with people and have plenty of aquaintances, but it’s like there’s something wrong with me in that my relationships never go further than that. even on here, i have a few people i talk to sometimes but i feel like no one would really count me as a friend. it’s so difficult for me to form close bonds with people, i’m pretty sure i’ve forgotten how to do it. it doesn’t help that i’m so bloody boring and vanilla that no one takes an interest in me in the first place.

i know i’ll feel fine again in a few days but right now i just want to bury myself in the ground and not deal with anything.

i had every intention of updating this blog every day (ish), i really did. but i’m notoriously terrible at keeping new hobbies up, so i of course have been neglecting it since my first post. BUT i have actually done some stuff since then that i feel like writing about so i’m gonna do that.

as i mentioned the other day, i went to keele university for the second time last week and i loved it as much as i did the first time. which would be great except for the fact that i also loved aberyswyth a lot, and i can’t decide which one i’d prefer to spend the next three years of my life at. it’s kind of like a heart versus head decision; keele is nearer to home and easier to get to and makes more sense logically but aberystwyth is BY THE SEA. i was definitely leaning towards keele for a long time but i change my mind like the weather and now i’m not sure. i’ve got until the 8th may to make my decision though, so positive decision making vibes coming my way would be appreciated.

we had a Family Outing on tuesday to the lake district, which is almost definitely my favourite place in the world, so that was lovely. it was beautiful and sunny but colder than norway, so we spent most of the day  mooching about in gift shops (i’ve never seen so much beatrix potter paraphernalia in all my life) and cafés, but it was nice just to get away from it all. we visited william wordsworth’s grave, where i tried to educate my six-year-old niece about who he was and what he did, but she was more interested in whether or not there were fish in the nearby river. sigh.

i had more stuff to say but it’s late and i’m off to watch the americans (one of my favourite shows at the moment! tv is really stellar right now) and also i can’t remember the rest. i have a big day of scone making, hair appointment booking (to chop it all off or to just have it trimmed: the eternal question) and gracchi brother researching ahead of me tomorrow. maybe i’ll update again tomorrow! maybe not! stay tuned for more information!

the idea for this blog came from my older sister (hi sarah), who’s started a wordpress with the intention of listing five positive things that happen every day. which is a really great idea so i’m going to copy her.

except not today because i’ve had the most uneventful day in the history of uneventful days. completely my own fault, i woke up way later than i meant to (as usual) and then the day was too far gone and i was in too much of a rubbish mood to get anything done. that’s my excuse, anyway. far too many of my days are wasted in bed (idk what’s up with that, i don’t even like sleeping in), or faffing about on here doing nothing and i’d really like to change that. even just switching off my laptop for an hour to read a book or watch a film would be more productive than usual.

of course i’m glad i’m off college at the moment but i have almost nothing to fill my days with when i’m not in. i started feeling really unhappy again during the february half term, just because i was so bored and lonely and lacked the motivation to do anything. even though i know i’ll feel a lot better if i just get up and out of the house and do something, it’s easier said than done most of the time. i’m visiting keele uni for the second time tomorrow so at least i’ll (hopefully) have five positive things to write about afterwards.

i’m not letting myself wallow in my negativity for the rest of the night though so i’m about to watch guys and dolls because it’s marlon brando’s (light of my life, fire of my loins, my sin, my soul etc) birthday today!! for the next seven minutes anyway. and i’ve been listening to the beach boys all evening and i’m pretty sure it’s physically impossible to be unhappy while (whilst?) listening to the beach boys.

this blog probably won’t solely be used for the positive things thing, i’ll probably also use it to work on my tendency to internalise my feelings and never vent about anything (irl jon snow right here), and just generally whinge about things.